1 corinthians 3 (trial by fire)

     

August of 2018 through August of 2019 was one of the most difficult years of my life: I was a freshman in college, but unsure about my major. My two closest friends were thousands of miles away from me, and I was depressed for the first time in my life.  
Every Sunday I dutifully attended church and led discussion with my high school students, but during the week I neglected my faith. 
By January of 2019, I had all but abandoned Christianity and had begun to lean toward atheism.
I told no one of this. 

I coped with my depression by over-scheduling my life so I didn't have a spare moment to think or feel. 
Spare moments were bad. 
Spare moments were when everything fell apart.

At night, I would cry myself to sleep. I would wake up sick to my stomach and sleep-deprived. I couldn't eat. I couldn't sleep. I lost weight-five, ten, twelve pounds. 
I had never felt so bereft in my whole life. 

It was February when I decided to confront this vicious cycle. 
I was serving as a leader at the junior high winter retreat at my church and we were in the middle of a worship service. 
I was exhausted, so I sat on the ground and put my head in my hands. A friend of mine came and prayed over me, thinking I was deep in prayer. I felt so ashamed. 
I was a fraud. 
Even though I had drifted so far from God, I began to pray as I sat on that dirty gym floor. I prayed for redemption. I prayed for renewal. I prayed for God to show me His plan, because mine sure wasn't working out. I did not feel any divine peace in this moment. There was no still small voice calling out to me. But I think it was this simple act of faith, of praying to a God that had fallen silent to me, that turned my heart back to Him and opened my eyes to the steps already laid out before me. 

1 Corinthians 3: 10-15 says, "Let each one take care how he builds upon it. For no one can lay a foundation other than that which is laid, which is Jesus Christ. Now if anyone builds on the foundation with gold, silver, precious stones, wood, hay, straw— each one's work will become manifest, for the Day will disclose it, because it will be revealed by fire, and the fire will test what sort of work each one has done.  If the work that anyone has built on the foundation survives, he will receive a reward.  If anyone's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved, but only as through fire."

This last year was the fire for me. 
It revealed what I had built with. 

Until these trials, I would have said my faith in God was strong, but what I realized was that my faith in my friendships was strong. I had anchored so much of my identity, including my faith, in my friends, that when they were taken away from me, everything I thought I knew about myself was also taken away. 
What was left were the neglected parts of me that had were weak and baseless. 
"If anyone's work is burned up, he will suffer loss, though he himself will be saved." 
The loss I experienced in that time was necessary for my salvation. The fire saved me. 

After February, I began to rebuild. 
With nothing left, I had to trust God every single day, sometimes just to get me through the day. Many days were as they had been before-filled with crying and depression and frustration. But the more I gave things over to God, the more infrequent these bouts became. 
The Summer of 2019 was one of the happiest of my life. 
Day by day, I rediscovered God's faithfulness, learned who He said I was, and became passionate about the plans He was preparing for me. 
By August, I felt secure in my relationship with God. 
This was the big thing. I thought. Now that I've figured this out, everything will get easier. 
But oh, I was so wrong.