sometimes

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sometimes I wonder if there will ever be a time when my life is not swirling in confusion. if there will be a week without disagreements, if peace will finally emerge from dusty corners and step into her full glory. every night I lie down and I forcibly release the tension of the day. I drop my jaw and slump my shoulders, uncurl my toes. in the morning I force food into an unwilling mouth and pray it will settle quietly, instead of forming a rock for me to lug around all day. 

I want certainty. I crave confidence. I desire to hear the overwhelming majority of support for my every decision. 

It's hard to stop wanting these things. 

Seemingly impossible to put one foot in front of the other, while the path is unpaved before me. When the steps are uncertain, and I have been warned by naysayers that what or where or who I want can never be. 

Perhaps the trick is that there will never be enough money, the right time, the best place to live, or the easiest choice. Perhaps I can only keep moving amidst stagnancy, seek quiet in the noise, and exclaim over every small, beautiful thing until it is the biggest and best parts of my life. 

Maybe some months I'll be strapped for cash, and friends will wish I lived closer, and perhaps I will even damn myself for the day I made some decision that I was warned against. Perhaps I will...but I think it will be the greatest adventure to find out. 

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