Hello again

"What is grief if not love persevering?" I know, I know. This line quickly became trite when WandaVision premiered, but the truth of Wanda's words remains.

 I remember thinking about this line at the beginning of January. I was in the middle of one of those horrible mental battles where you're trying so hard not to think about it but you are, and your heart is physically aching in your chest, and you want to do absolutely nothing except throw yourself on the ground and drown in it all. 

But amidst this I pondered why I was really feeling this way. I thought, if this grief is my love persevering, would it get better if I had some place to put it again? If this dead-end desire could somehow be repurposed? What if I focused this desire to love and care back on me instead? 

I didn't like that thought. I wrote a post on how distinctly stupid and useless that sounded. 

However, despite my self-doubt, I have spent this month pouring back into myself and into the people who are still in my life. I took an extra moment while brushing my hair and noticed how it curled around my face. I sent "just-because-I- love- you" coffee money to my friends. I listened to my favorite music. I deleted things that didn't serve me any longer. I cooked food I loved. I painted. I called my mom when I felt sad.

It actually helped. There were times it felt vain or selfish, but if I could accept this kind of love and attention from someone else why I couldn't accept it from myself too? 

There are still moments of sadness, as there will be, even now, eight months out from the breakup. 

But I'm so much better than I was. My life is my own again. I'm different than I was before, but the familiarity of my self has once again returned. I have welcomed back an old friend. We take time to stretch and read my favorite devotional in the morning, we get good coffee in the afternoon, and cook new meals together in the evenings. Sometimes we paint by candlelight, or walk by the river to see Lady Liberty. We're doing well. I'm happy to see she's come back to me. I'm so glad I said hello again.