Rebuilding

I think the hardest part of not being with someone, is I feel most myself when I'm in love. When I can take everything I feel for them and pour into their lives, and know it's doing something good. Checking in, and listening to their problems, carving out a space in my own busyness to prioritize them, it feels right to me. 

I have discovered that perhaps this is a problem. 

In counseling a few weeks ago my therapist asked if there was space for me in my relationship. If there had ever been space for my own needs, or if I had been setting them aside for him. 

I don't think I really could've told you what my needs even were when she asked that question. "I think there used to be..." I answered after a moment. "But...no. There hasn't been for a long time." 

When a relationship ends, it's so easy to romanticize what's been lost. To pore over the sweet texts, the photos that seem all so perfect, and the good memories. Of course, doing so requires me to conveniently ignore all the nights I doubted this relationship, the long nights of tears and fighting, the gnawing anxiety that trailed behind me for two years, the sacrifices I made, knowing they could never be reciprocated. 

Perhaps the truth is not that I feel most myself when I'm in love, but instead that in some twisted way I feel most myself when I am at a disadvantage for the good of someone else. When I hold myself back in the name of selflessness. When I intentionally limit my own needs and desires to provide for the needs and desires of another. 

Unlearning this pattern of behavior is proving to be a pain in the ass. 

The desire to date someone again is not because I can't stand being alone, or there's someone I'm interested in, or I'm worried about dying alone.

 I want to be with someone again for two reasons. 

One, because it would be comfortable again--I would have another person's problems and needs to dwell on, thus having the perfect excuse to ignore my own. I have discovered that taking care of myself is not something I particularly like doing. It feels selfish and vain. (I am working to unlearn this as well)

And two. Because I am hurting so deeply, and so intensely, that it is all-consuming. It slams into me when I wake up. It stands guard as I drift asleep. I lapse into crying so effortlessly it has become as natural as breathing. The tears come and go with little to no warning. I'm in mourning, and this grief is deep, and sucking. I am in the worst limbo of my life. I don't feel like myself, I'm having a hard time liking myself. I see my needs as a burden on those I love. I have a hard time having fun. 

This is not a place I ever wanted to be again. I've been here before. I suffered through it.

 I thought I would never return. 

I know that dating right now is the wrong choice. But taking all the love I had for him, and lavishing it back on myself seems misplaced. I don't want to care about me. I don't want to prioritize my needs. I want to stop hurting. I want to feel like myself again.