her life in prose

Shame is not of God.  This is hard to believe for me. It's hard for me to live by. There are days when my shame is so overwhelming I feel like I have never been worth anything to anyone, ever.  My shame makes me want to curl up and hide all the ugly parts, the dark moments when I chose my own way instead of God, the days when I care more about my instant gratification than my eternal destination.  But shame is not of God because it doesn't make me turn to God. It turns me away from him, hardens my prideful heart and weakens my resolve to do better with a "well, I'm only gonna mess up again anyway," lie.  But still, despite how many times I've messed up, despite the fact that I will continue to do so until my dying day, shame is still not of God.  Grace is of God.  Forgiveness, mercy, unconditional love, patience, peace, kindness- these are surely of God, but not shame.  I have to remember this. We both have to remember this. Wh...

35 minutes.  The time feels stolen.  I am not producing or producting, studying or standing in line.  I sit with caramel melting in my latte and Elgar’s cello concerto lifting my spirit from my chest. Edvard holds my butterfly soul captive in his conducting hands for a breath  before releasing it with a binding crescendo.  There are traces of coffee foam at the corners of my mouth and I know I look tired.  Last night I fought with my mom.  Confronted feelings.  Studied for my bio test till 1 in the morning.  Now, in this stretching hour I get to be. write. sip. remain.  I think I must return to these parts of my life more frequently. allow existence beside persistent progress. today there is room to be.

Psalms 106: 1-5  "Praise the  Lord ! Oh give thanks to the  Lord ,  for he is good,   for his steadfast love endures forever!  Who can utter the mighty deeds of the  Lord ,    or declare all his praise? Blessed are they who observe justice ,  who  do righteousness at all times!  Remember me, O  Lord , when you show favor to your people;   help me when you save them,  that I may look upon the prosperity of your  chosen ones,  that I may rejoice in the gladness of your nation,   that I may glory with your inheritance" God is good.  All the time.  All the time.  He is good.  This call and response was something frequently used at my church. It's simple and catchy, but the truth of it is staggering.  I am not good all the time.  You are not good ALL the time.  But there is not one moment in life where God is not working and moving and changing all t...