her life in prose

"What is grief if not love persevering?" I know, I know. This line quickly became trite when WandaVision premiered, but the truth of Wanda's words remains.  I remember thinking about this line at the beginning of January. I was in the middle of one of those horrible mental battles where you're trying so hard not to think about it but you are, and your heart is physically aching in your chest, and you want to do absolutely nothing except throw yourself on the ground and drown in it all.  But amidst this I pondered why I was really feeling this way. I thought, if this grief is my love persevering, would it get better if I had some place to put it again? If this dead-end desire could somehow be repurposed? What if I focused this desire to love and care back on me instead?  I didn't like that thought. I wrote a post on how distinctly stupid and useless that sounded.  However, despite my self-doubt, I have spent this month pouring back into myself and into the people w...

I think the hardest part of not being with someone, is I feel most myself when I'm in love. When I can take everything I feel for them and pour into their lives, and know it's doing something good. Checking in, and listening to their problems, carving out a space in my own busyness to prioritize them, it feels right to me.  I have discovered that perhaps this is a problem.  In counseling a few weeks ago my therapist asked if there was space for me in my relationship. If there had ever been space for my own needs, or if I had been setting them aside for him.  I don't think I really could've told you what my needs even were when she asked that question. "I think there used to be..." I answered after a moment. "But...no. There hasn't been for a long time."  When a relationship ends, it's so easy to romanticize what's been lost. To pore over the sweet texts, the photos that seem all so perfect, and the good memories. Of course, doing so requi...